Nothing like the yellowing, attic-chalk fragments in Grandpa's "thingamajigger drawer." These are foam-based flying personality disorders. Each one's a little off — in a cute way.

• Jalapeño: Chill. Predictable. Texts back.
• Habanero: Moody. Sweet one bounce, evil the next.
• Ghost: Unhinged. Emotionally unavailable. Let it work through its stuff.

Strange-looking swagger sticks that play nice with The Peppers because, well... they look just as weird. Reminiscent of that uncle who shows up to Thanksgiving in jorts and a sleeveless tee.

FOAM-oh! layered to forgive your form, furniture, and your fourth cocktail.

Drop it and it's ready. No tools. No tantrums. No IKEA hex keys. No "Which leg is C2?"

Fits in the back pocket of jeans from Frank's Big & Tall. Probably.

Two red headbands. Two red wristbands. Technically for sweat. Actually for intimidation, dramatic entrances, stare-downs, and your Instagram feed.

(Also: red doesn't show blood. Not that we're expecting that. But still.)

Holds it all. Paddles, balls, rules, dreams. Roughly the size of a purse from the early 2000s: 11″ × 7″ × 5″.

Carried on one finger. No forklift or flatbed required. Bonus points: you'll look like you mean business, even if you're late to game night.

This sacred scroll explains the spicy scoring, serve switching, and weird in-play object designations that make Pepper Pong the most functional dysfunction out there.

• Elders serve first.
• Chandeliers, walls, and grandma's birdcage can be "in."
• And yes — it prevents the "Dad, can you get on the phone and explain this?" match point breakdown.

Read it. Or don't (but know the Ghost Pepper will haunt you). .